Emotional deregulation in the relationship
¿Strong emotions in your relationship?
Beware if your emotions are out of control and are expressed disproportionately and/or impulsive in your relationships. Emotions can negatively affect the way how to think and act in our relationships. If you show a problem to respond in a healthy and effective way is likely to present a deficit in your ability and function to regulate (control) your emotions.
The term self-regulation proposed by Bandura in his social cognitive theory suggests that all humans have a system that allows us to have control over our surroundings (environment, experiences, relationships, etc.). This control goes above the thoughts, feelings and actions. It involves a repertoire of skills that make it possible. When you regulate your emotions you are able to evaluate, modify thoughts and behaviors. It is not that you will not experience emotional discomfort, when you do not adjusts your emotions in a healthy way you can be capable of exhibiting destructive behavior, such as verbal and physical aggression, avoid difficult situations, destruction of belongings. These behaviors are causing a pattern that lead to self-destructive and harmful relationships with your partner and probably in your interpersonal relationships.
There are some factors that can make you vulnerable to negative reactions and out of control emotional reactions. Some authors including Alan E. Fruzzetti (2005) in his book “The High Conflict Couple” propose three:
The term self-regulation proposed by Bandura in his social cognitive theory suggests that all humans have a system that allows us to have control over our surroundings (environment, experiences, relationships, etc.). This control goes above the thoughts, feelings and actions. It involves a repertoire of skills that make it possible. When you regulate your emotions you are able to evaluate, modify thoughts and behaviors. It is not that you will not experience emotional discomfort, when you do not adjusts your emotions in a healthy way you can be capable of exhibiting destructive behavior, such as verbal and physical aggression, avoid difficult situations, destruction of belongings. These behaviors are causing a pattern that lead to self-destructive and harmful relationships with your partner and probably in your interpersonal relationships.
There are some factors that can make you vulnerable to negative reactions and out of control emotional reactions. Some authors including Alan E. Fruzzetti (2005) in his book “The High Conflict Couple” propose three:
1. Sensitivity. People vary in their level of sensitivity. For example, it may be that your partner is highly sensitive and does not require much effort to sense and understand your feelings. However, it may be that you present less sensitivity to this. This situation causes you to demand more from your partner to understand what you are feeling so you can feel supported (a) emotionally. If these differences are not aware, it will cause discomfort and tension in communication and relationship.
2. Reactivity (reaction). When something happened depending on what it is, may cause everyone to react differently. You could demonstrate an ability to react passively, while your partner reacts intense to the same. What distinguishes these two types of reactions is that the intense/ high reaction will exalt and emotionally download interfering with communication before it can be cleared up all the information about the fact. People with low reaction usually respond more slowly, serene and less emotionally intense decreasing the likelihood of later disputes.
3. Time to reach equilibrium (balance). We all have a base level to balance our emotions. Emotional balance is defined by the author as a control state, where we can think and act in a clear, meaningful and effective. In other words, after experiencing the emotion, it will take a certain amount of time to return to your normal emotional balance. This can be for some people a few seconds or minutes to hours. People who are vulnerable and have trouble experiencing their emotions will take longer to auto-regulate painful negative emotional states. It is for this reason, it is suggested that the couple be aware of the style of your partner’s emotional balance for agreements, for example, to take time to discuss the outstanding issues.
2. Reactivity (reaction). When something happened depending on what it is, may cause everyone to react differently. You could demonstrate an ability to react passively, while your partner reacts intense to the same. What distinguishes these two types of reactions is that the intense/ high reaction will exalt and emotionally download interfering with communication before it can be cleared up all the information about the fact. People with low reaction usually respond more slowly, serene and less emotionally intense decreasing the likelihood of later disputes.
3. Time to reach equilibrium (balance). We all have a base level to balance our emotions. Emotional balance is defined by the author as a control state, where we can think and act in a clear, meaningful and effective. In other words, after experiencing the emotion, it will take a certain amount of time to return to your normal emotional balance. This can be for some people a few seconds or minutes to hours. People who are vulnerable and have trouble experiencing their emotions will take longer to auto-regulate painful negative emotional states. It is for this reason, it is suggested that the couple be aware of the style of your partner’s emotional balance for agreements, for example, to take time to discuss the outstanding issues.
The couple’s differences associated to each style on how to handle and express emotions may interfere with the communication between each other affecting the relation. If you want better communication in which there are no misunderstandings or confusion with your partner, it is important to be aware of how to manage their emotions. This will help you get closer and better understood.
Caroline Rodriguez Mercado, PsyD
Psychologist Counselor
Psychologist Counselor
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